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[12 Oct 2009|10:18am] why am i the most terrible person to have one of these, i dont ever update it. oh well, once in a blue moon is fine. so i moved out. party time i know. since halloween is taken we are planning a christmas dinner and also a green and blue party on november 1st. yes, it IS a giants and eagles party. there will be blood i am sure. blah blah nothing to talk about. people are idiots. life is good. raw was amazingggg <3 so was hell in a cell <3 what up. TO POST

[04 Jun 2009|11:45pm] lets recap. in the past two years i have... 1. got a car blown up 2. got into a car accident 3. been majorly broke beyond poverty 4. been robbed 5. twice 6. quit my job 7. not went to school. a big fuck my life, whats next? murder? rape? 1 TO READ- TO POST

[15 Apr 2009|02:31am] great start to a birfday. im going to go hang randy orton on my wall and fantasize about a huge legacy orgy. thanks brooke! night<3 TO POST

[14 Apr 2009|12:27pm] dude i never write in this fuckin thing. so heres the deal.... nothing. yeah. oh and brooke. i am kinda upset about jericho. i dont know why. probably cause he didnt talk at all. 2 TO READ- TO POST

[22 Mar 2009|02:54pm] iiiimmmmmmm bored. i have stitches, in my vent? TO POST

[05 Mar 2009|01:39am] i think they should make a spin off show of the biggest loser and make the biggest boozer, then id rip that shit up. on a side note.... i have stitches..... i have stitches in my vent? TO POST

[01 Mar 2009|03:58am] drunk. again. for the like 16th night in a row since i havent been working at dairy queen,, maybe i should use my money for something reasonable like bills and not bottles upon bottles of liquor. fuck my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. TO POST

[13 Jan 2009|01:00pm] So. Im sitting here at my computer munchin on some chips and it hit me. I should be going to school. I should not be working two jobs instead. I need to do something with my life and not sit around like a bump on a frog. Or log. Whatever. I need some motivation. TO POST

[15 Dec 2008|12:21pm] its almost a new year. wow. um. im pretty sure next year is gonna blow as much as this year, and last year, and last year. dude. life fuckin sucks. 1 TO READ- TO POST

[09 Nov 2008|02:34am] its kinda like this. i want what i cant have and i cant have what i want. if i do get what i want i undoubtedly fuck it up. i dont want to get out of bed. i have nothing to look forward to when i wake up in the morning, except that i hope no one calls off of work tonight. i need to move out. i need to be on my own. i need to just get away and start everything over new. i need to be more independent than i already am. i need to meet my mom. i need to build bridges, hell i need to burn a few too. i need to seriously get drunk. i need to just do something. i need to get a lot off of my chest, but really, who is going to listen? i need to see a shrink maybe, get it all out. i have so much inside but talking to a wall never really helped anyone. i need people to see both sides cause you can never just listen to one. i need people to see that they shouldn't listen to what everyone else says, because you know it might not always be the real thing. i neeed to stop rambling. i dont want to work anymore. every day is the same. thats all my life is, work work work. nothing else. friends all have boyfriends and i have work, i dont love my job. maybe if i loved my job, id be happy. but i dont, so therefore i am not. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE CHARLIE HORSES. im talking three. in one night. in the span of like 3 hours. i'm talking waking up in tears three fuckin times last night. its like when you're half asleep so you cant move but you can feel the fuckin cramp and youre just laying there with no will to get up and you can feel it AND IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE until it goes away or you just fall asleep and still feel the pain. wow, a charlie horse sounds a lot like my god damn life. if i get one more tonight i'm jumping in front of a truck. fuck this. dgisdfaiogudfashged. i need some severe escape is what i really need. 2 TO READ- TO POST

[04 Nov 2008|12:44am] I hate hate hate it when other people are right. Not right as in, I told you so right. But the before the fact right. I recently talked to someone about my "real mom" issue and it not pleasant. I tried explaining how I felt and I was countered every time with "That's not a reason you shouldn't meet her, that's an excuse." And its the truth, when I had the chance it took me by utter surprise and I didn't know what to do. And its not even the fact that she doesn't deserve to meet me. Which I don't believe she does. Its the fact that I need to do this to show her I am the better person, and that I don't believe in abandonment, even if the person did something to deserve it. I need to do it for myself, because if I don't get it done, and say whatever needs to be said,(By the way, what exactly do you say to someone who did what she did?), so I can live with the peace of mind. I could let it go until I'm fifty and she's long gone and I didn't win because I didn't let her meet me, I let her win for doing what she did, and me doing the same thing. I refuse follow the same path and make myself into a worse person. On the topic of being a bad person I think I might have to write a book that is solely based on my fuck ups, cause shit, it would be a fuckin novel. I don't even realize it until I really sit down and think about it. I need to step back, and take a real good look at the choices I have made in the past, bad and good. I need to sort my shit out and do it real fast before stress alone kills me. On a better note, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely never going to find someone to date longer than three months, and I think I'm okay with that. I mean yeah, I see all my friends happy with their boyfriends and shit and I think that is what makes me all go-nuts-stupid-i-need-a-boyfriend-now, but I think the single life is really the life for me, what with me being so busy with two jobs and what not. What not being drinking and other recreational activities. I just kinda hope that someday, far down the road I find a person that can make me happy. Do not get me wrong, I am happy. Just like, being with someone you really like happy, like most of my friends are. Jeez. I need something good to happen in my life, and fast. 2 TO READ- TO POST

[22 Oct 2008|03:15am] monopoly. 1 TO READ- TO POST

[02 Oct 2008|11:12pm] things to do; get costume for brookes party. get drunk. kill a bitch. my life is rough. 2 TO READ- TO POST

[23 Sep 2008|11:02pm] and so the countdown will resume, seventy nine days TO POST

[15 Sep 2008|11:44pm] soooo i just got back from floridaaaaaaaa. its kinda depressing, for only being there two days i never wanted to leave. everyone i met was really awesome, and really nice. howeveer, i am never flying again. highlites: hibachi grill memphis alabama "take a drink baby, be somebody" "bro" dorms air matress tenneesssseeeee!!! beach jack& bud the block with fake id's whattttt december will come very slowly. and while im still on this, rest in peace joe rogan <3 TO POST

[08 Sep 2008|12:14am] My following week will be... Monday Tuesday: dairy queen. Wednesday: cork. Thursday: give blood, phili. Friday, Saturday, Sunday: FLORIDAAAAA! Im so excited for this weekend, Ive been such a mess lately and so much is going on I cant wait to just get away and relaxxxxx. Who knows, I might enlist if there are enough attractive Air Force guys convincing me to. Oh yeah. TO POST

[07 Sep 2008|03:13am] what do you say to the woman who calls herself your mom who left you for thirteen years and just shows up. i was supposed to find out last night. ive been drunk since. TO POST

[31 Aug 2008|12:06pm] every step of the way. TO POST

[26 Aug 2008|12:34pm] "How unbearable at times are people who are happy, people for whom everything works out." TO POST

[24 Aug 2008|03:16am] for some reason, unknown to myself, whenever i talk to brooke, i have an epiphany. we talked, of course, and caught up. and i just realize all this stuff. its not hard to think about how i was about a year or two ago. i was literally numb to all emotions. once you get hurt a few times, your mind sets up barriers to protect you. i didnt really like who i was or the things i did during that time, but i didnt hurt so much. lately, its like the flood gates have been opened. its all pouring back, i cry and i mean it, i laugh and i mean it. i take things way to offensively. i get jealous. i get anxious. its all there, its not just a passive feeling. its not just me being indifferent. i, for some reason, am feeling everything. who would have thought i would fall and fall right on my face. i did. and i know why. cause im a fucking idiot. when my defenses were down, the obvious happens. go figure. a part of me wants to just go back to like i was, so i didnt have to worry about this shit. i could go out with whoever, hook up with whoever, do whatever i want whenever i want. date someone then break up with them and not think twice. stay out til all hours drinking. going into work late every day. be completly reckless. lose friends. realize who your friends are. not really care. not caring who thought what about me, or how they thought my bad decisions were going to affect me, just brushing them off and saying "no, im fine. dont worry about it" when i know im really not fine, and i should be the one worrying about it. the time in my life when i spent all my money on beer to drink away the problems or something else to make them just easier to deal with. dont get me wrong, everyone has their own issues, people just deal with them different. i loved this time in my life because in my mind, i was untouchable, no matter what. no one could do anything to hurt me. they couldnt get past me to get to me. i was protecting myself and i loved it. my choices werent the best, but i did what i thought i should do. when i told brooke im suddenly kinda regaining the "emotion factor" back, she said: "yeah, emotions are good." but sometimes they can really fuck you over. and she knows exactly what i mean because shes been through the same shit. i just wish things werent the way they are. i wish things were kind of better than they are, for once. this is really not going to be a good time in my life and i can tell already. the rest of the year is going to be a shitshow and im completly ready for it now. 1 TO READ- TO POST

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